


My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

by Toomanyfandoms99



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Female Castiel (Supernatural), Genderbending, M/M, Temporarily Female Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 12:45:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16873170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toomanyfandoms99/pseuds/Toomanyfandoms99
Summary: Dean caught Sam’s curious glance as he placed his palms together, his fingers pointing towards the ceiling.  His head bowed, he spoke a prayer.  “If His Holiness would like to grace us with his presence, it would be much appreciated.”Silence.Dean tried again.  “Cas, I could really use some advice for this case.  You there, man?”There was an absence of rustling wings.Dean spoke a third prayer.  “Cas?  You okay?  Let me know if you’re okay.”This time, an angel appeared.Only it wasn’t the Castiel that Dean knew.





	My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

**Author's Note:**

> The title was taken from the song “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. Enjoy!

Dean paced in the bunker war room, listening to Sam’s laptop keys tap along with his fingertips. 

The case they were researching was fishy as hell. It required insight from a supernatural being.

A certain angel, perhaps.

Dean caught Sam’s curious glance as he placed his palms together, his fingers pointing towards the ceiling. His head bowed, he spoke a prayer. “If His Holiness would like to grace us with his presence, it would be much appreciated.”

Silence.

Dean tried again. “Cas, I could really use some advice for this case. You there, man?”

There was an absence of rustling wings.

Dean spoke a third prayer. “Cas? You okay? Let me know if you’re okay.”

This time, an angel appeared.

Only it wasn’t the Castiel that Dean knew.

This angel was a woman. Wavy black hair that reached to the middle of her back. Electrifying blue eyes. Luminous tan skin. Long legs for miles, covered by business slacks. Thighs that could crush a man. Breasts constrained by a white dress shirt. Strong muscled arms that remained feminine, hugging the fabric of a tan trench coat. A delicate face, wearing an expression comprised of weariness and contempt.

Dean caught Sam standing up in the corner of his eye, his mouth falling open.

Dean knew this wasn’t right, but he could swear this woman was-

“It’s me, Dean,” the woman said, the light yet deep voice and mannerisms exactly like-

“C-Cas?!”

The woman delivered an amused side smile to Dean’s obvious disbelief. She played innocent. “Yes?”

Her coyness filled the room for a beat.

“What happened to Jimmy?” Sam asked.

“Jimmy was badly injured in a fight with some wraiths,” she replied. “While his body repairs and rebuilds itself with my grace, I had to take another vessel.”

“Alive or dead?” Sam asked.

Woman-Cas pursed her lips. “I don’t take live vessels anymore.”

“Well, she was quite the looker,” Dean said, wanting to kick himself immediately afterwards.

Dean may be imagining it, but a tinge of pink rose on woman-Cas’s cheeks. “I wouldn’t know about such things.” She cleared her throat pointedly, tapping a half-inch heel on a shoe. “What’s this case that you called me for?”

Sam immediately recited the article he found on his routine database check for mysterious deaths. As he spoke, the knowledge that was placed in front of Dean finally sank in.

Castiel was a woman. A woman! He could be stuck in this female vessel for a while. 

Dean felt completely and utterly compromised.

————

Dean spoke as if on autopilot throughout the entire investigation.

His thoughts lingered on woman-Cas. Dean was acutely aware of her presence in a way he’s never been with another person before.

Cas didn’t seem to care, or notice Dean’s mental plight.

Sam would speak with Cas, and all Dean could think about is the borrowed vessel. Cas would adopt his usual awkward mannerisms while questioning witnesses, and all Dean could think about is the way Cas’s long hair framed his face perfectly. Cas would kneel down next to a victim’s young child and send the little girl a rare grin, and all Dean could think about is the way Cas’s otherworldly eyes sparkled in the sunlight. Sam and Cas would search through online lore in the motel room, and all Dean could think about is the way Cas’s tan trench coat complimented his radiant skin. Cas would tie his — her — hair into a high ponytail as the researching stretched from minutes into hours, and all Dean could think about is the way it highlighted a swan-like neck, and what it would be like to kiss Cas there, to push back a column of hair and press his lips along Cas’s shoulder, kissing up and up until he reached Cas’s lips, listening to Cas’s golden laugh as he rested their foreheads together and he finally, finally cupped Cas’s cheek and went in for the kiss-

“Dean?”

Dean blinked. 

Sam was staring at him strangely, having just waved a hand in front of Dean’s eyes. He glanced at Castiel, who was too preoccupied on the laptop to notice Dean’s momentary absence from the conversation.

“Yeah?” Dean asked gruffly.

The script was promptly reestablished.

————

With the case complete, Castiel accompanied Sam and Dean on the drive home.

Dean gripped the wheel a little tighter than normal, using the pressure to ground himself. He couldn’t afford to daydream at the wheel. Especially with woman-Cas staring out the window in the backseat.

Sam cleared his throat pointedly, observing Castiel through the rear view mirror. “So, Cas,” woman-Cas looked at the back of Sam’s head in attention, “how long are you gonna look like that?”

Cas answered, “I estimate that my normal vessel will be rebuilt a week from today.”

Dean dug his nails into the steering wheel.

Another week of this. Another week of seeing Castiel as a woman. Chuck help him.

“That’s a slow turnaround,” Dean commented. “You should complain to the store manager.”

Sam snorted, Cas choosing to stare out the window again.

Dean should just keep his mouth shut next time he wants to make a dumb joke. Woman-Cas was not impressed. Noted.

————

Dean finds woman-Castiel in the bunker kitchen three mornings later looking frazzled and worn out.

The sight of her caught Dean completely off guard. He nearly tripped over himself and smashed into a wall.

Real smooth, Winchester.

Dean was suddenly keenly aware that he was wearing only boxers and a loose robe. And sure, man-Cas had seen him this way a couple times over the years.

But Woman-Cas was different. Dean had to be more careful. There were — are — lines that cannot be crossed.

Dean recovered from his clumsiness quickly, before Cas could notice. Dean entered the kitchen and started making coffee, sensing woman-Cas’s eyes on him.

Dean kept his gaze lowered and let the image of woman-Cas shadow the back of his eyelids.

Castiel’s long hair was tied into a bun, strands falling across her cheeks and forehead. She wore man-Cas’s gray sweatpants and ratty red hoodie. The glimpse Dean got of this ensemble — of Cas embodying both genders effortlessly — destroyed him. Dean needed to recover while his coffee brewed. Woman-Castiel was absolutely devastating to Dean’s mental state.

She waited patiently while Dean guzzled down a large mug of coffee before speaking. It was something Cas learned early on in their friendship.

“Does this vessel make you uncomfortable?” She asked.

Dean blinked, not expecting to be questioned outright. “Um...no.”

Woman-Cas stared at the tabletop. Dean immediately hates himself for putting a frown on that face. “You hesitated.”

“Um.” Dean swallowed. “I-I just. I’m not used to it, is all.”

That didn’t seem to be the right answer. Why can’t Dean say anything right lately?

Cas fell into silence. Dean decided to pour a second cup of coffee and remain silent as he drank it.

————

In a way, Dean envied Sam. His little brother had an uncanny ability to remain unaffected by woman-Cas.

How could Sam do that? Cas was a freaking woman!

But no, Sam didn’t seem to care. He treated Castiel the exact same way he always did.

It just wasn’t fair. How could he remain so nonplussed about it?

With woman-Cas otherwise occupied, Dean decided to pose the question to Sam. And all Sam did was smirk.

Dean asked exasperatedly, “what’s so funny?”

A little laugh resounded in Sam’s throat. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Dean narrowed his eyes. “What’s obvious? It ain’t so obvious if I don’t know, ain’t it?”

Sam huffed, the last remnants of his smile tightening. “Have you had any...not-so-savory thoughts about our resident angel?”

Dean’s face grew hot.

Sam had the gall to look downright amused. The cat that got the cream. “Get it yet?” He asked.

Dean got it.

————

When Castiel was back to normal, the thoughts Dean had didn’t cease. They only grew stronger. Only increased. Only amplified.

This time, they were starring man-Cas.

And sure, Dean always thought Cas was an attractive man. Anyone with eyes could see the appeal of a dark-haired blue-eyed man piercing through your soul.

But it had gotten out of hand. Woman-Cas triggered something in Dean. A bell that couldn’t be unrung.

Dean knew what this was. He was hiding it from himself no longer.

The amount of problems that came with the realization would take a while to sort through.

————

Castiel has many smiles.

Cas rarely smiled. He was rarely happy. Rarely emoted, even.

As the weeks passed, Dean studied every smile that formed on Castiel’s mouth. Every single one was different.

There were amused smiles. Exasperated smiles. Tired smiles. Bright smiles. Sad smiles. Side smiles. Smiles reserved for Claire, smiles for Jack, his — their — children. Smiles for Sam, when he was especially witty. 

Smiles for Dean, which varied by special degrees. Smiles for when Dean said something smart. Something funny. For when Dean reunited with Cas after time apart. For when Dean emerged unhurt — or simply alive — from a hunt. For when Dean sat idly in the bunker, watching Dr. Sexy secretly. For when Dean shoveled food down his mouth. For when Dean himself smiled.

Dean kept a catalogue of Cas’s different smiles. He liked all of them. Every single one. As long as they lit up Cas’s weary expression. As long as Cas’s eyes shined with mirth as they occurred.

————

After fixating on his smiles, Dean observed Castiel like never before.

Dean learned that Cas took naps in one of the bunker’s spare rooms when they were otherwise occupied. He learned that Cas bought his own set of comfortable clothes. He learned that Cas’s powers were dangling on a precipice, resulting in a perpetual tiredness. He learned that Cas drank coffee by the gallon because he could taste the bitterness on his tongue. He learned that Cas picked up some cooking skills from bingeing YouTube videos. He learned that Cas snuck into Sam’s room when they were away to watch Netflix. He learned that Cas called Claire incredibly often to check up on her. He learned that Cas keeps the Led Zeppelin mixtape Dean gave him in a surprisingly sensible car hidden within the bunker garage. He learned that Cas taught himself basic car maintenance and how to properly stitch wounds. He learned that Cas practiced shooting a gun in the woods outside the bunker. He learned that Cas was the one who stocked the fridge with beer. He learned that Cas took random online classes when he was bored. He learned that Cas was gifted an old iPod from Claire filled with thousands of songs, and that Cas was working his way through them all. He learned that Cas could spend days at a standstill reading book after book in the bunker library. He learned that Cas knew far more than he let on.

And he had done this all by himself. Cas didn’t even ask for help. He just did things when he knew Dean and Sam weren’t looking.

But Dean was looking now. 

He would never turn a blind eye again.

————

Dean approached Castiel when he knew with absolute certainty he was ready.

He stood from his wooden chair, his back aching after researching for hours, and caught Sam’s gaze. Sam raised an eyebrow, a knowing glint appearing in his eyes.

Sam read the determination in his older brother’s expression like it was just another lore book. One side of his mouth upturned. “Good luck,” he said encouragingly. “You’ve got this.”

Dean reached a hand out and patted Sam’s shoulder. He swallowed a lump in his throat and said, “thanks, Sammy.”

————

Dean found Castiel in the sitting room, watching Daredevil on Netflix. The room was mostly cast in darkness, the television the only blaring light. The reds and yellows and blacks on the screen cast a strange glow on Cas’s features. He wore the same ratty red hoodie and sweatpants he did that fateful morning in the bunker kitchen, when he upset his friend.

Dean waited until the scene changed to make his presence known.

Castiel paused the show accordingly once Dean plopped next to him, his expression pensive. “Hello, Dean.”

It was time for Dean to say something right for once. He had bullet points in his head so he wouldn’t get too off track.

It was time to say things that couldn’t be unsaid.

“Cas,” Dean began, “I’m sorry I’ve been...weird.”

Yellow light playing across Castiel’s face, Dean saw his dark eyes sparkle. “Was that you being weird? I hadn’t noticed.”

Dean’s stomach somersaulted at the familiar dry sarcasm. That was another thing about Cas he had learned: Cas’s sense of humor was unique, but endearing nonetheless. 

Dean said, “I’m glad you’re here, Cas. Really.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dean felt fear grasp his heart. What he said next was important. “The reason I’ve been weird is because of...something I realized.”

Cas adjusted so that he sat crisscrossed, facing Dean with the full weight of his intense gaze. He propped his chin in his hands. “That’s vague. I’m intrigued.”

“U-um.” Dean thanked the darkness for covering his blush. “You being a woman was...it just got me thinking. How gender doesn’t really matter, in the grand scheme of things. When it comes to...well, certain...relationships.”

Castiel understood. Dean saw a shift in his eyes. But Cas remained quiet. Still inquisitive, still listening. Still silent.

Dean kept going. “It, um. Seeing you...it got me to realize...a lot of things. About me. About...what I feel.”

Dean caught Castiel bat his eyelashes. Short of breath, Cas asked, “what do you feel?”

He packed away what Cas’s tone meant. Dean would have to examine that later. Dean replied, “I always found women attractive. I thought...I thought as a woman, you were attractive.” Dean tilted his head downward. He couldn’t look into Cas’s eyes for this part. “I thought that, maybe...it would go away, when you changed back. It didn’t.”

Dean nearly choked on the resounding silence.

A hand reached out and touched his.

Dean met Cas’s eyes tentatively. Dean cursed the darkness that cloaked the majority of Castiel’s reaction. “Keep going,” Cas said.

Dean exhaled through his nose to steel himself. He ceased the thoughts running through his mind. He ignored the warmth seeping from Cas’s palm into his fingers. “Seeing you as a woman...it did something to me. Changed me. I...understand myself now. What I feel. What it means.”

It occurred to Dean that Castiel had hardly breathed since he started talking. He was breathless for no reason at all. Waiting for him patiently. Waiting for something.

Dean knew what he was waiting for. He said, “I have feelings for you, Cas. Now breathe.”

Cas’s chest collapsed as he inhaled and exhaled. His mouth parted slightly in disbelief, his eyes shining from the glow of the television. He remained silent.

“Before you say anything,” Dean continued in a rush, “it’s you that I want. This you. The guy that stocks the fridge. The guy that refuses to let me fix up his car. The guy that checks up on Claire and buys her ugly stuffed cats for her birthday. That guy. He’s the one I want.” Dean exhaled unsteadily, his stress and anxiety leaving him now that he said his piece. “Clear?”

Castiel blinked, a lone glistening tear escaping his eyelids. He didn’t seem to care about it, though. He breathed, “you’ve never been clearer.” In a trance, he brought his arms up to Dean’s face, his hands capturing Dean’s cheeks. Dean’s eyes fluttered shut on instinct, focusing on the sensation of Cas’s hands touching him, feeling him after months of Dean daydreaming about this event.

Cas leaned closer, his body heat setting Dean aflame. His breath ghosted Dean’s skin. “Would you like to be kissed, Dean?”

Dean swallowed thickly and nodded, afraid to open his eyes. He sounded parched and utterly wrecked when he spoke. “If it’s not too much trouble.”

He caught the tail end of Cas’s huffed-out laugh before Cas’s lips swallowed Dean’s.

He had heard stories about kisses like this. Kisses that healed. Kisses that warmed him from head to toe. Kisses that set his veins alight. Kisses that slowed his heart and sped it up in rampant beats. Kisses that changed the very fabric of his existence.

This was all of those things simultaneously. The best kiss Dean ever had.

Dean whimpered when Cas pulled away. Their eyes met in the darkness at the exact same second.

They were on the same page. Completely in tune. Wonderfully in sync.

The smile Castiel gave Dean was a new one. The most beautiful Dean smile that Cas had graced Dean’s vision with. Dean saved the image in his mind.

Since words didn’t do them justice, the new couple rested their foreheads together and held each other on the couch, living in the moment.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


End file.
